All right boys and girls, today we're going to study the effects Spring Break and Going To The Beach have on members of the "older generation," and whether those members make good use of Spring Break and Going To The Beach, or if they're just an embarrassment to the people around them.
In this study, our subject is a middle-aged white male in his late 40s, who traveled with his family to Galveston, Texas, in the hopes to, and we quote: "live like a pirate."
I think you'll agree with me when I state our first hypothesis: "This gentleman has never been to a beach before in his life."
Next, whereas you and I would probably wear shorts as we frolic upon the beach, we notice that this gentleman is wearing blue jeans. Since the hems do not look wet, we can assume that he has not been in the water, or if he has, only stuck a toe in.
Our second hypothesis might be: "This gentleman is deathly afraid that sharks will jump out of the ocean and tear off his legs."
Looking at this gentleman's feet, we notice he is wearing a pair of sandals, not flipflops. These sandals are strapped to his feet, which should give him the freedom to enjoy his surroundings, but they look a little tight, like they're cutting off the circulation in his toes. Not only that, but they look a bit out of place when worn with the leather jacket.
Our third hypothesis should state the following: "This man wanted to stay in the car, but family members forced him onto the beach. To get back at them, he wore the most hideous pair of sandals he could find."
Finally, let's look at this gentleman's hands. Could it be he is trying to effect a gang-related sign on a beach in South Texas? I believe he is. But what does it mean? A short bit of research through the official handbook of Gang-Related Hand Signs of South Texas should give us a clue. And here it is:
"My name is Buster, and I'm a freak."
Our final hypothesis, which I will assign you as homework, most definitely should include words like "lunatic" and "idiotic," as well as phrases like "You've got to be kidding," and "That poor family."
In conclusion, it is our belief that this man was on the beach for one, and only one, reason: To make all the wives, daughters and sons in the immediate vicinity thankful that HE was not related to THEM.
And in that vein, he most certainly succeeded.