Be Sick-free in 2010

The last thing any of us wants is to get sick. We don't have time for it, we don't have the money for it, and it makes us look downright zombie-ish. Not only that, but it's no fun dripping snot all over the furniture for weeks just because somebody sneezed in their hand and we were stupid enough to shake it. So, with absolutely no cost to you in any way, here's my Five Things to Keep You Off The Sickbed in 2010.

1. Don't shake anybody's hand. In fact, just stay at home in bed with a blanket pulled over your head.

2. If you do have to venture out into the world, and if you do have to shake someone's hand, DON'T. Weren't you listening? Instead, give them a little "bump," but without the grind! Or do what I do -- I say, "Alright, give me a little elbow," and we bump elbows. Then I say, "Wow! That was some good elbow," and then they look at me real weird like.

3. If you do accidentally shake someone's hand, wash it. Yours, not theirs -- unless they let you, but that seems a bit too personal for my taste. So, wash your hands. In fact, wash them after everything you do. Go to the bathroom -- wash your hands. Pick your nose -- wash your hands. Wash your hands -- wash your hands. The goal is keeping those nasty germs away. Wash your hands after reading this.

4. Germs and viruses hate strong bodies. They only attack weak ones. Make them think you're an exercise freak. You don't actually have to exercise or become a body builder. All you need to do is stay up late one night and buy every exercise machine and workout video that you see on TV. The germs will see this and know you mean business. They'll hop off you like fleas hop off a drowning dog.

5. Stop worrying about it. Go ahead and get sick. Take a couple of days off. And if you're all well and good by the second day, call in sick on the third, just for fun!

That's it. Hope you stay well in 2010. If not, don't blame me.

The Art of Chess and Columns

Many years ago, when I was a little kid living at home with my parents, my father taught me how to play chess. I learned how the pieces moved, that the king was the most important piece, but that the queen had all the best moves. It wasn't long before I was whooping the pants off my father (I don't believe he was letting me win, but you never know).

I really enjoyed playing chess until one day I found a book about how to actually play the game. I think it was called, "The Art of Playing Chess." I read that book from cover to cover, memorized the moves, memorized the strategies, and took on my father with the knowledge that not only would I now be able to beat his pants off, but his shoes and socks would fly off his body as well.

But, he beat me. He beat me every time we played. And from that day to this -- some 40 years later -- I've never won a chess game, with anybody!

Suzette Martinez Standring is a syndicated columnist with GateHouse News Service. She is the past president of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, has appeared on Boston's National Public Radio station and presents writing workshops all over America. I recently bought her book, "The Art of Column Writing."

When it arrived by UPS yesterday, I ripped open the package and couldn't wait to start reading about how I could become a better columnist. And then I remembered the book about chess.

Sorry Suzette, but now I'm too scared to read your book!

10 Things WivesShould Never Do

Ladies, we love you with most of our hearts (c'mon, we have to leave space for NASCAR, fishing and barbecue), but there are times when you make us want to grab our camping gear and hike across the frozen tundra of Siberia for just a few moments of peace and quiet. Want to know what sets us off?

1. We don't expect certificates of achievement when we do the dishes, but if we are in the midst of sudsy water and dishpan hands, don't stand over us and give us "helpful hints" about the way we "should" be doing it. If you're so insistent about the dishes being done the "right" way, we might just let you finish the job, for now and ever more.

2. Sometimes when we come in from work, we're tired, hungry, and need a little bit of time to relax in a safe environment. What we don't need is to be bombarded by all the things that need to be done to the house, around the house, and under the house, and it needs to be done today or the whole planet is doomed! If the house isn't falling into a sinkhole, then it can wait.

3. As far as gifts are concerned, we don't mind getting tools, fishing gear, gift cards or season passes to our favorite sporting events. What we don't want is socks and underwear. Need I say more?

4. How is it possible that you can give us compliments about our driving abilities, but then turn around and tell us how to drive? "I just wanted to make sure you saw that traffic light" is not what a confident rider would say after screaming, "It's red! It's red! Ohmygod stop, it's red!"

5. If we buy you a gift and you like it, we'll know. But please, for the next 12 months, don't tell us you wish it had been a different color, or bigger, or faster, or easier to use, or anything derogatory. After 12 months, complain all you want because by then we'll have probably forgotten what we gave you in the first place.

6. When our son does something "bad," don't look at us and say, "That's YOUR son." Excuse me, but it took two to tango.

7. Please, please, please -- don't go outside and start mowing the yard. Yes, we should have done it yesterday, but when YOU head outside to do it, our neighbors will look at you and say to themselves, "That poor woman. Her husband must be some kind of bum to make her get out there in the hot sun and mow like that!" Please, we'll do any amount of dishes -- just don't go outside and mow.

8. Don't give us aftershave that reminds you of your father or grandfather. That's just plain creepy!

9. Okay, so the only thing we know how to cook for dinner is spaghetti. But at least we cooked something and you didn't have to. Whining about the menu puts you one step closer to being in charge of the menu 'till "death do us part."

10. You can't seriously expect us to be happy about going to see a chick flick, can you? We'll go because we can be with you; we'll share our popcorn because it lets us sit closer together; we may even buy your favorite box of candy -- but to expect anything related to an emotional response from us about the movie is absolutely unrealistic. Just be happy we went in the first place.

(Photo by Russell J. Smith on Flickr)

I Never Play on the Internet -- I Work

Right now I really should be picking up the wrapping paper, taking down the Christmas decorations, or mowing something, but instead, I’m “working on the internet.”

That’s what we guys say when it comes to being on the internet – we’re “working on it.” We don’t play, we don’t message, and we wouldn’t Google ourselves if our lives depended on it. We work, and we do so because it’s expected of us – and because it’s the only thing that will get us out of putting away those silly Christmas lights that go into the box all rolled up, but will mysteriously come out a jumbled mess next December.

(I personally think they’re having a 12-month Hawaiian luau with fire-eaters, a roasted pig and dancing girls in grass skirts. Close the lid, party on; open the lid, lights out).

5 Facts About Donkeys

Before you head out to the mall to pick up a cute little donkey like this one, there are five things you ought to know first:

1. A donkey is a big responsibility. You've got to feed it, water it, pet it on the nose every know and then, talk to it in baby donkey talk, and give it treats because they love treats!

2. Never call it a Jack Ass to its face, unless it's being one. Donkeys have feelings, too, you know.

3. Donkeys make weird sounds. You may like it, your donkey certainly likes it, but your neighbors may be a different matter. Before getting a donkey, check with your neighbors first just to see how they feel about the matter. If you hate your neighbors, forget this step and get yourself three or four!

4. Never talk about "the glue factory" within earshot of your donkey. The last thing you need is a depressed donkey.

5. If you have a chance to pet a donkey, DO IT! It may be the best thing you do all day.

Ask, and ye shall receive

When it comes to Christmas gifts, some people sit around waiting to be “surprised” by insightful relatives who know exactly what they need, when they need it, and how many they need. I, on the other hand, believe in making absolutely non-subtle hints that leave no room for doubt.
I wanted a fishing lure – and that’s exactly what I got.

To be specific, I received an:

1. “often imitated, but never duplicated” Rebel Pop-R that is guaranteed to be the “standard by which other poppers are judged” (whatever a popper is);

2. A Top Line “hook ‘em every time” spinner with no name because it was made in China where the names are long and translate into “Red Dove Cherry Blossom on a Love Leaf,” and no papa is ever going to ask his son to get one of THOSE out of the tackle box;

3. A package of Genuine Beetle Spins that are ideal for bass and panfish – or in French: “Ideal pour l’archigan et les autres poisons comme la mariganne.”

4. A package of Marabou Jigs that “contain lead, a chemical known in the state of California to cause cancer and birth defects and other reproductive harm.” I guess in other states, it's okay!

And a sundry of other lures, but I can’t find them because they’re kindof small and we have a lot of wrapping paper still on the floor.

Anyways, hope you had a Merry Fishing Lure Christmas like I did. If not, SPEAK UP NEXT YEAR!

Have a Merry Christmas!

Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, and where did all this wrapping paper come from? And how are we going to get rid of it because I'm sure our garbage bin can't hold it all, and if it could, it would spew out like a volcano once the trashman opened it. And won't the neighbors be impressed with us THEN!

Other than that, we're having a fine time. But, I will admit, our Christmas tree and all the nicely wrapped presents -- the entire scene in our house -- no longer looks like the picture. That was "before." I'd take a picture of "now" but I've lost my camera in all the hustle and bustle.

Hope you're having a great day! And if you aren't, it's your own fault!

Merry Christmas!

The Christmas Goat

I think I talk about my goats too much. I see it in people's eyes and faces, and I know what they're thinking. They're thinking, "Holy cow! There he goes again!" And that may be so, but in Sweden, the goat is a "centuries-old Scandinavian yule symbol that preceded Santa Claus as the bringer of gifts to Swedish homes. Many Swedes place a small straw goat underneath their Christmas trees, or hang miniature versions on the branches." -- according to an Associated Press story.

Unfortunately, the only reason the AP was doing a story on Christmas goats is because somebody burned down a 43-foot high straw goat in the city of Gavle -- 43 feet! Can you imagine? The city has built one every year since 1966, and it has been burned down 24 times, smashed with a car, and had its legs chopped off.

I guess the Swedes talk too much about their goats, too.

Anyways, if you want to learn more about The Gavle Goat, visit The Nordic Culture Spot or go to the Gavle website where you'll find links to their Webcam!

As for me, I'm going outside to give my goats a Christmas hug!

(Photo by Anna Borsey on Flickr)

Candy or Marmite?

There's 3 billion different choices of candy to choose from on our kitchen counter. Nothing unusual about that. We always have some kind of sweet stuff around the house. But I'm on a diet. I'm cutting way back on the sugar intake because it's the right thing to do. And I'm being strong. I have will NOT power. Instead, I think I'll have some Marmite on a cracker.

Haven't heard of Marmite? Well, it's the British equivalent of Australia's Vegemite. Haven't heard of that either? Well, bucko, let me tell you all about it.

Marmite is a calorie-free yeast extract spread that nobody else in the house will touch. They won't even breathe the stuff. It's black, it smells like dead weasels, and it spreads across a cracker like tar over an asphalt road. But since nobody else in the house will eat it, that means it's ALL MINE! I don't have to fight for it, nobody takes it out of the cupboard but me, and I don't have to be disappointed when I open the jar to find that it's empty -- unless I'M the one who emptied it.

I will admit it has a taste that takes some getting used to, but once you're over the shock, it's not so bad. If you've been thinking about trying some, I will give you one word of warning: Follow The Instructions. The jar says, "Delicious when spread THINLY." If you scoop out a whopping glob of the stuff and try to suck it down on a cracker, I'm quite sure you'll die. Or at least wish you had.

Marmite. It's not for everyone. But I'm okay with it!

(Photo by pyntofmyld on Flickr)

Silent Night with Bela Fleck

Even though this is not a professionally done video of Bela Fleck and The Flecktones, it's still pretty amazing. Not only does this include an amazing verson of "Silent Night," but just wait until you hear "Sleigh Ride!"

I only have one wish before I die -- okay, I have two -- to see a tornado and go to a Bela Fleck concert. Until then, I don't mind settling for videos just like this one. So Merry Christmas and have a very Bela Fleck New Year!

Project Fishing Lure

REVISED POST: 5 Feb 2010 -- Hey, I started a new site called, "Sounds Like a Fish Story To Me." I hope you like it!
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All I really want for Christmas is a fishing lure. It's very possible you already know that. But what you DON'T know is I plan on starting a collection of lures, one from every state in the union.

But there's a catch. I don't want to travel to every state just to buy a lure. Instead, I want people to SEND me lures. Old, beat up, never used, sad lures that are just cluttering up the tackle box.

Think of it as stamp collecting, but with Crankbaits and Rattletraps.

Not only that, but if the "sender" could write down what the lure is used for, how to use it, or maybe even the history of that specific lure, I'll put it all together on a website, with pictures, footnotes and a lot of whatnots, and boy won't THAT be exciting reading!

So, friends and neighbors, if you know of somebody who lives outside of Texas and is willing to ship a lure-poor angler a lure for this collection, feel free to put in a good word for me and ask them to start digging in their tackle box.

Except for postage, I'm not asking anyone to spend a thing on these lures. What fun would it be to get a new lure from a South Dakota Wal-Mart?

I'm going to rent a post office box this next week, just for mailed lures, and when I have the address, I'll let you know. Until then, Happy Fishing!

All I Want For Christmas is...

Dear Santa,

All I really want and need this Christmas is a fishing lure. Just one. And it doesn’t matter what color or size. Okay, maybe I need two – just so they can keep each other company.

You see, I recently discovered that I’ve become an old man without any fishing stuff, and I have no idea how that happened. No fishing lures, no bobbers, no hooks; just a beat-up old fishing pole with the string all kinked up, and I’m not even sure where it is.

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My Christmas-Break Plan

During this Christmas break, I'm not going to just sit around and let my blood pressure rocket to the moon, no sirree! I plan to get up, do something productive, and then once THAT'S out of my system, sit and do nothing.

First up on my list of things to accomplish: Lose 20 Pounds. Should take me about a day and a half. I'll let you know how it goes.

Second: Mow all the grass. It's not growing right now, which seems like the perfect time to mow. It can't fight back.

Third: Shuck all my negativity and become a more positive person. (okay, that one may take some time).

Fourth: Find a male goat so my females will WANT to stay in their pen. And then they'll have little baby goats, which means more noise and poop, more goats to chase once they escape, but, hey, that's half the fun!

And Five: When Christmas Day is all said and done, take down the decorations, pack up the tree, and put away the Christmas coffee mugs BEFORE March!

Merry Christmas!

The Five Christmas-shopping "Rules of Engagement"

Christmas is creeping up on us again, and that means it’s time to brave the wild indoor shopping centers and outlet malls with the hope of getting some serious Christmas shopping done without being crushed to death in Aisle No. 9 during a Blue Light Special. But do you think I’m worried? Nosirree! I’ve got a plan, and as long as I stick to it, I will not die!

My plan is to do all my shopping on Christmas Eve, hitting the stores with military-like precision: attack, attack, attack, take no prisoners, and don’t charge anything until you see the whites of their eyes. And I believe in “attacking at dawn,” when there’s little resistance because nobody else is stupid enough to get up that early just to go shopping.

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Nothing wrong with Scalp!

A long, long time ago, I had enough hair to cover my ears and touch my collar. I spent a lot of time making it look just right, praying that not a single hair would fall out of place -- but not anymore! I wash my hair, slap my head with a towel, and I'm DONE! And now I'm cruising websites like "Sly Bald Guys" and "The Brotherhood of Bald People." Who knows, maybe one day I'll shave it ALL off. But not my beard! I ain't THAT crazy!

We should all be more like Scrooge!

Over the years, Ebenezer Scrooge has gotten a pretty bad rap. "Oh, don't be a Scrooge!" "Bah, Humbug!" "If I could work my will, every idiot that goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding!" But didn't Scrooge change in the end? Didn't he see the error of his ways? So why shouldn't we?

So I say, Merry Christmas, and go ahead, Scrooge it up!

(Want to read Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" online? For FREE! Go to Stormfax.com , click on the book, and enjoy!)

Stinky Creek Scripture Time:

"In the Beginning, the Universe was without form, but then the whole place started Jumping after God created Pizza and Beer!"

"On the second day, God rolled up His sleeves and separated the Light from the Dark. When He saw what He had done, He said it was good -- then called it a Day!

"On the Fifth Day, God created all the living Creatures that tread upon Dry Land. And even though He said it was Good, He still had Doubts about the Goats."

"Seeing that Man needed a Companion, God ripped a Rib from Adam's body, which probably hurt quite a bit, and made Woman, which is Hebrew for 'Woe is Man.'"

And when God had seen what He had done, he looked at Adam and said, "Sorry dude. I guess I should have given you a Banjo instead."

"When Eve partook of the Apple, she had new Visions and Ideas, which were far superior to the ones she had with her PC."

"And when Adam realized he was naked, he was so ashamed because he was looking kindof flabby and Jazzercise hadn't been invented yet!"

New and Improved Answers!

Dear wives:

When your husband regails you with the troubles he's had at the office, or maybe his dreams about the future, this is NOT the time to reason with him. This is NOT the time to tell him, "Everybody has troubles, so just suck it up," or "Wow, that's a pretty far-fetched dream You're not expecting ME to go along with that, are you?"

Nope, that's the surest way to marital discord. So, to help you wives out, I hereby present to you five manly-approved responses that, even though you think he's a total idiot and needs to just go mow the yard, will make him think that you actually care.

1. "I wish you had a better group of people to work with. You could quit and go work at Burger King, which means we'd probably lose the house, but whatever you decide, I'll support your decision."

2. "Sailing around the world would be a wonderful adventure, if it wasn't for the fact that I get seasick all the time and would probably barf on your poop deck. But if that's what you want me to do, then we'll make it happen."

3. "No, I don't think it's right that you have to suck up to your boss. You're a manly man, needing power and people to do what YOU say. You're a Stud! But until then, could you open up this jar of pickles?"

4. No, I don't think it's at all crazy that you want us to spend Christmas in Canada, staying several nights in that motel made entirely of ice. But honey, I get so cold. You don't want me cold, do you? Cold and frigid? I'll leave the decision up to you.

5. Of course you can have goats. I think goats are adorable. But you'll have to take care of them, feed them, and love them all by yourself, because I wouldn't want to be held responsible if something went wrong, like maybe they accidentally got barbecued on the grill.

Change is not always bad!

When you get to the point where you dread getting out of bed in the morning, you dread going to work, and you would rather run over a skunk with your bicycle than have to be civil to your boss for one more day -- well, that's the time you might want to be thinking of change.

Okay, so change ain't so great sometimes. It may mean less pay, more travel time, maybe a move to a different city or state, but wouldn't that be a whole lot better than doing something you really can't stand anymore? Do you really have enough time left on this planet to just "put up with" a whole lot of goat poop?

Clock's ticking! You decide! As for me, I don't mind change. I prefer $10s and $20s, but change works just as well.

I do not snore, but that's just my opinion

I do not snore. Yes, there are times I make sounds like a Harley-Davidson Fat Boy doing 85 mph down the interstate, but I don’t consider that snoring. That’s wishful dreaming with sound effects.

Of course, nobody else in my family appreciates the roar of my straight pipes pumping out 110 decibels of pure awesomeness while I’m napping on the couch. Therefore, to appease them before they resort to stuffing a cat down my throat, I recently tried to muffle my pipes – maybe bring it down to a Honda hum – and this is the record of my attempt: CONTINUED